A few weeks ago, a Fox news anchor referred to the fist bump shared between Barack Obama and Michelle Obama as a “terrorist fist jab.”

We at Grace the Spot felt that this characterization of the bumpage was unfair, so we sent our operatives to uncover the truth behind this so-called “fist jab.” However, what our agents discovered was much more shocking than anyone had ever imagined. We now have proof that Barack Obama has snookered the Democrats and is, in fact, a plant groomed by the right wing to carry on the Bush dynasty’s reign.

As you will see below, the “fist bump” is, in fact, right wing sign language for the world “aloha,” which can mean anything. It has been used to convey anything from “What’s up!” to “Let’s invade Iraq!” to “Let’s invade Iraq again!” Despite all the Republicans’ bluster about cracking down on immigration, look at George Bush, Sr. giving the “fist bump” to a possible illegal alien from Russia.

And here is Dubya attempting to pass along right wing ideology by osmosis. The future young Republican standing beside Mr. Bush still has much to learn, but for now, just knowing that he has been chosen to receive the right wing knuckle tap causes the young man to beam with pride. Learning how to ignore the budget deficit and scapegoat homosexuals can wait.

Watch out. Pretty soon Barack will be talking about bombing Iran. Keep an eye on him.

There is no question lesbians are known for liking beer. Beer samplers, however, take the beer drinking experience to a whole new level. Brew Houses/Restaurants, like Heartland Brewery often offer a sampler of 5-7 6 oz tastes of each micro brew on tap. Why choose a beer when you can have them all?!

The beer sampler is very conducive to the lesbian’s tendency to overthink small details. Conversations regarding the boldness of one beer compared to the bitterness of another fill the air as members of the entourage partake in the tasting. Advanced lesbians will throw in fancy acronyms like ABV and IPA, and use the word “hoppy” instead of the word “bitter.” Highly advanced lesbians have even been known to discuss things like the difference between Golding hops and Willamette hops.

Yes, lesbians will process about anything, even beer.

Such chatter often segues into other philosophical conversations, but by the third sampler, the conversation topic will inevitably turn to dating/relationships and/or inter-entourage drama.

Don’t think the end of the tasting is the end of the beer drinking … oh no … now it’s time for each gal to pick her favorite beer and have a full pint! By the end of the pint, the conversation gets louder and more raucous. Let’s have another!

Earlier in the evening, members of the entourage were giving honest and civil advice to the one having dating issues, but now all bets are off.

Earlier

Girl having issues: This girl I’m seeing isn’t calling me back. Should I text her to see what’s up?
Entourage: No, honey. Just finish your beer. Don’t jump to conclusions. Maybe she’s still at work.

Now

Girl having issues: What’s up with this bitch?! I’m going to text her and tell her she’s a tool!
Entourage: YEAH!!!! DO IT!!! DO IT!!!

Lesbians + beer + peer pressure + cell phones with SMS text messaging = trouble.

Thus, if you are going to sample beer with your entourage, it may be wise to assign someone the duty of being the designated cell phone bearer to prevent such embarrassments from occurring.

Some of you may be asking, “What’s up with all this talk about man crushes and gay guy porn? Aren’t you all, like, lesbians?”

My response is, you’re wading into “Advanced Lesbian Territory.” Remember when you moved from arithmetic to algebra, and they threw all those letters like “x” and “y” at you, and you were like, “Math isn’t supposed to have letters!” Or (if that analogy was too elementary), when you took AP calculus and thought it was a piece of cake and then you went to college, where you took multivariable calculus and they threw another goddamn dimension at you?

Well, you’ve moved into another dimension. Just sit tight, and hopefully it will all make sense.

We’ve all watched porn. The standard made-fer-womyn-by-womyn lezzie porn or perhaps “straightzie” porn for those who don’t know any better (“straightzie” porn = “lesbian” porn for straight men starring bored long-nailed stillettoed women with oddly-hued orange skin from tan-in-a-can sporting inflated boobulars that point in wayward directions). Some of you may have been exposed to really fnarked up shizz like alien porn, barnyard animal porn, little people porn, Ron Jeremy porn (eww), Jenna Jameson (ech) and themed porn, like “Pirates.”

The aforementioned types of porn can be succinctly described with one of the three following phrases:

• Borrrrrrriiiinnnggg. (lezzie porn)
• FAKE!! in so many ways, particularly the unenthusiastic moaning/grunting (straightzie porn)
• WTF!? (fnarked porn)

Ultimately, they can be summed up with a mere “meh” or “gross”. Perhaps this is the very reason why lezzies seem to gravitate towards gay porn. Although we have to deal with close-ups of sweaty schlong’n’balls, at least the men are beautifully ripped and can’t fake an orgasm (guaranteed genuine every time like the prize at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box). It could be that we’re merely watching to pick up schlong-wielding techniques or getting the penis envy out of our system… or not.

Whatever the reason, lezzies like gay porn. Standing in the back of your local independent video store, you’ll stare at the one shelf of lezzie porn and can’t help but turn your head towards the rest of the room, where there are walls upon walls of hot gay porn. What are you in the mood for? Jock porn? Check. Leather porn? Check. Got a thing for uniforms? There’s an entire section, further divided by firefighter, police and military. Impressive, eh?

Ahh gay porn. There’s no need to keep it a secret any longer dear friends! LEZZIES LIKE GAY PORN!

5) Skin Bag

Clothing and accessories made with material to resemble fake human skin. The “concept” includes the typical new-age hippie nonsense: “SkinBag conveys peaceful values aiming at the blossoming of the individual.” Sure, in the alternate universe where looking like you sliced up your neighbor with a Santoku knife “conveys peaceful values.”

Definitely less hippie and more Hannibal Lecter.

4) Lilly Pulitzer’s men’s line.

It’s like The Joker from Batman went to Palm Beach and decided to start a clothing line, so he held the staff at Lilly Pulitzer hostage and forced them to make these abominations (before killing them all with Joker venom, because that’s how he rolls). On the bright side, I guess they won’t be able to make the men’s line next season.

3) Naming your rap group “Concentration Camp” and releasing an album entitled “Da Halocaust.” 

Seriously? No, seriously? And I guess they couldn’t be bothered with spell check either.

2) Rent a Dildo.

It’s like NetFlix, except with sex toys! (Um, NetDicks?)

They claim to have “developed a patent-pending process for thoroughly cleaning each toy before it is sent out to a customer.” (Probably some dude’s washing machine and some generic detergent bought at Costco.)

[h/t Lesbilicious]

1) Gummi Lighthouses

I guess if Rent A Dildo isn’t your cup of tea, you can buy these instead.

Celesbian? Clitorati? Glamazon? Are these even real words?

It seems that lately, I have heard these kinds of ridiculous adjectives and nouns used (and invented) at a very high frequency to describe “us.” Just the other day, Grace Chu, showed me an article called “Triumph of the Lipstick Lesbian” which I found a bit alarming. In short, the article rambles on for three pages about the rise of the glamorous lesbian: “They wear heels. They wear dresses. They’re toned, taut, sun-kissed, waxed, and clothed in designer labels. And yes, they wear lipstick.” While I can go on and on about the abundantly superficial and offensive labeling here, I instead want to focus on the three new words I learned while reading the article: celesbian, clitorati, and glamazon!

What exactly was this journalist trying to accomplish by introducing these words? Is she saying that we should all be thankful that the beautiful ladies have come out of hiding and are infusing their feminine wiles into chic urban areas across the country while joining exclusive clitorati clubs? Is she implying that the butch girls should sleep with one eye open in case a glamazon tries to attack? If we surround ourselves with celesbians, will we magically turn into one (poof!)?

To me, these words sound like new hybrids of zoo animals, not lesbian friendly nouns. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that there are different “breeds” of lesbians, but when my femininity puts me in the glamazon category with Lindsay Lohan, I want to barf.

Oh well, I’m sure my mind will put at ease this weekend during NYC Pride when the long plaid shorts and white wife beaters will once again make an appearance.

Drew Barrymore (who is definitely a straight girl lesbians like) once explained to Mary-Louis Parker (ditto) in Boys on the Side that lesbians “love uniforms.” And they do. The reasons are mysterious and unknown. Whether due to status, authority, or a sense of belonging, studies have shown that, in the eyes of lesbians, the simple act of wearing a uniform mathematically raises a woman’s hotness factor by at least 3 points on a scale of 10.

Knowing this, lesbians often want to be a uniform-wearer and are jealous of other lesbians who regularly get to wear uniforms. For instance, what’s the first thing my friends ask me about my karate classes? “Do you get to wear a uniform?!” And the first thing my prosecutor friend told me about her job? “I get to wear a suit and a badge!” And, when that gaggle of female police officers strolls into the local lesbian bar, because they always seem to have to “check things out” on Saturday nights, you can pretty much guarantee that within 2 minutes all eyes have already coveted those sharp blue uniforms. (Not to mention all those gadgets!)

In fact, if there weren’t a ban on gays in the military, I suspect that many a woman-loving-woman would join the armed forces in large part because of the uniform. Conceiving of a marketing/recruiting scheme would be easy: “The few. The proud. And did we mention the sweet uniform you get to wear?” But alas, until we are living in more tolerant times, lesbians will have to wait before lacing up those Army boots. *Cue laughter*

Unfortunately, the lesbian love of uniforms is a double-edged sword. Lesbians have been known to enter into ill-conceived relationships with women almost solely on the basis of seeing a woman in her hot Navy/firefighter/police/mail carrier uniform. The allure of a woman in uniform is strong, and you must remember that you are not always thinking rationally in the presence of a uniformed beauty. You should always resist your urges until the uniform-wearer is no longer wearing the uniform. At which point, I suppose, it’s already too late. Because, well… [insert stupid U-Haul joke].

(Disclaimer: Subjects in the photos may not be lesbians in real life. — Grace Chu)

Lesbians like their man crushes, although they may not freely admit that they have them, especially in the physical presence of other lesbians. (The lesbian rule book dictates that if a lesbian gives any suggestion that she may be looking at specimens on the other side of the gender divide, she must be given the stink eye.) Nevertheless, lesbians hold their occasional man crushes close to their otherwise lass-loving hearts.

Lesbians tend to get suspicious of other lesbians who admit that they have a crush on a guy. This is because lesbians are suspicious of bisexual women, who lesbians consider to be thorns in the lesbian community’s collective ass. Bisexual women, lesbians believe, are only out to toy with lesbians’ hearts for kicks before leaving their lesbian “victims” for a guy. (How is this any more heartbreaking than being left for a girl, you ask? Shhh! Don’t ask such questions in polite company!) Additionally, the concept that a woman may like both men and women because she is attracted to the person regardless of gender is very threatening to lesbians and often causes lesbians’ brains to short circuit. Thus, it is wise not to overload a lesbian’s brain with this advanced and complicated idea.

As a result, bisexuals occupy the lowest rung of the evolutionary ladder as constructed by lesbians. The last thing you want is to come under suspicion of being bisexual, because then you lose your coveted place as a made woman in your entourage. Once you are deemed to be bisexual, you can hang with the Mafia, but really, you’re just the Irish guy who runs errands for them.

The Evolutionary Ladder As Constructed By Lesbians

• Domesticated Dogs and Cats
• Hopeless Straight Girl Crush
• Lesbians
• Gay Guys/Bisexual Guys/Straight Girls You Don’t Have A Hopeless Crush On
• Orangutans
• Straight Guys
• Hyenas
• Squirrels
• Salamanders
• Centipedes
• Zooplankton
• Bisexual Women

This is precisely why lesbian man crushes tend to be secret or only divulged in the company of very close friends. And when divulged, lesbians are careful to characterize such crushes as a “only a ‘man crush’,” which is different from “a real crush on a man.” Lesbians, much like straight guys, will go out of their way to declare their exclusive love of women. Like straight guys, lesbians spend an inordinate amount of energy trying to prove that they don’t like men in that way. However - and bisexual women take note - any lesbian who claims never to have had a man crush is a lying liar who lies. (And I suspect this also applies to many straight guys, but I will not press this subject at this time.)

However, a select few boys are given a pass.

First, all gay guys are given a pass. It is acceptable - and even trendy - for a lesbian to have a man crush on a gay guy. In fact, it is widely acknowledged in the lesbian community that lesbians have a soft spot for gay male porn (upcoming post).

Second, a few (at least ostensibly) straight celebrities are given the lesbian man crush pass, but this pass must be accompanied by an explanation to deflect attention away from the fact that yes, the subject is (probably) a straight dude. Thus, although it is acceptable for a lesbian to publicly declare a crush on the following men, she must immediately follow up her declaration with a “because” and an ensuing explanation.

Some boys get a pass, because they can pass for soft butch lesbians. See, for example, Jake Gyllenhaal and Jonathan Rhys Myers.

Some boys get a pass, because they have feminine features and/or they are rumored to be gay/bi. See, for example, Keanu Reeves and Zac Efron. Some boys get a pass, because they always play a relatively sexless weirdo in movies, and they kind of remind you of that crazy intense chick you dated who used to cut herself in order to feel “alive.” See, for example, Johnny Depp.

Some boys get a pass, because they have dykey hair. See, for example, David Beckham.

And Brad Pitt gets a pass, because he is Brad Pitt (much like Angelina Jolie gets a pass for crushes by anyone and everyone simply because she is Angelina Jolie).

No-no’s include the following: Mel Gibson, Bruce Willis and any male country music singer. There is no explaining any of those guys away. If someone in your entourage declares a crush on any of them, revoke her lesbian card immediately, because she is secretly bisexual and is planning to put a voodoo hex on you (if she hasn’t already).

I love awards shows. So I’ve created another awards category for this site called the Golden Short Bus Hall of Shame, which is reserved for celebutards who say dumb things about gay-and-lesbian-related issues. No, not mean things, just stupid things that should be ridiculed. Induction into the Golden Short Bus Hall of Shame is very difficult, because induction is reserved for those whose comments about gays and lesbians have managed to reach a level of stupid that was (until now) believed to be unattainable, so gaining admission into the Hall of Shame is very prestigious.

(Revel in the prestige!)

A couple of weeks ago, Tila Tequila took credit for the California Supreme Court’s decision to un-ban same sex marriage. I didn’t post the story on Grace the Spot at the time, because I had promised myself that there was no way I was going to devote another full post to Tila Tequila, especially since I discovered in horror that this post about MTV’s renewal of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila for a second season is still the most popular post on this site. Oh no. I’m not talking about random people landing here from Google searches. I’m talking about subscribers. (This just goes to show that, despite all the huffing and puffing about being “enlightened” and intellectual, lesbians are just as obsessed with celebreality as everyone else. Y’all know who you are!)

In fact, Tila Tequila is more important than the 2008 Presidential Election. (And sorry Malinda, but it looks like Ms. Tequila is a tad more important than Wellesley as well.)

In case you missed it, Tila Tequila said the following:

“It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement,” she told Usmagazine.com at the Hollywood premiere of The Love Guru on Wednesday.

“Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships],” she said. “Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

Yes, everybody. Since the mainstream media is so biased, they didn’t report that Tila Tequila submitted an amicus brief to the California Supreme Court, challenging the justices to suck pureed frankfurters through a straw to win a night with her. The justices of the California Supreme Court thought this was a great idea and obliged, and Ms. Tequila chose the four justices who could suck the hardest for the honor of having a group date with her. On the date, they passed her around a hot tub and made out with each other, as she burbled and giggled in a language that seemed nonsensical to the general public but was understandable by such luminaries as the members of the California Supreme Court. These four justices were so impressed by her intellect that they decided that gays should get married. (The other three justices only voted against same-sex marriage out of spite, because they were denied a date with Tila Tequila.)

I finally got to post about Tila, because another celebrity decided to say something utterly absurd about lesbians. (See, if I write about both of them in the same post, I wouldn’t be breaking my no-exclusive-Tila-post rule.) In an interview with Vibe Magazine, R&B star Usher said the following:

“[W]omen are dying for men. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men. Are you not studying the stories? Wake up!”

Honey, there are plenty of men to go around. There are so many, in fact, that if you took a shuttle to the sun, I’m sure no one would notice. Even if you rented out Madison Square Garden, made 5,000 clones of yourself, and you gave 5,000 lesbians free tickets to this bizarre social experiment, they would still not take you up on on your offer to “make love in the club” with you (and your Usher-clones).

So here comes the part where I hand out the awards, and since I don’t want to spend any money actually buying golden short bus replicas, I’ve decided that we can observe Tila Tequila and Usher’s induction into the Hall of Shame by using an appropriate line made famous by comedian Carlos Mencia. Even if you find Carlos Mencia’s humor to be uninspired or offensive, you can at least appreciate the following phrase (turn up your audio!) commemorating Tila Tequila and Usher’s induction onto the Golden Short Bus Hall of Shame:

[CLICK HERE]

Now, wasn’t that… um… special?

Lezzies like to complain about The Pride Parade to the point of declaring a boycott. Reason “X” can be any number of things:

• the plethora of politicians marching to show their “support of queers” during an election year
• corporate-sponsored floats a-go-go
• non-queer gawkers who are there to take in the “spectacle”
• lukewarm $7 beer
• overabundance of gyrating boys in thongs
• complete lack of hot gyrating girls in thongs
• massive amounts of sweaty people under the hot sun
• 1 porta-potty per 100,000 parade goers

Although lezzies have a habit of threatening to boycott The Parade, they will eventually “come around” and join in on the action. An entire neighborhood teeming with queers is irresistible. Who else will make fun of the Fred Phelps protesters? What better place to run into your ex while hand-in-hand with your new girlfriend? How else can you get a free year’s supply of sample lube and dental dams??

Yeah. Complain all you want. I’ll see you on the Parade route.